Chapter Seven: It Still Hurts - Part Two

So now we've come to part two of this chapter and I have a couple things to say before it.

First, while part one was about Trev and what he's battled to get to this point in his life, this chapter is about what Pam's dealt with and I feel like I need to put a WARNING with it. There are certain instances that some might find disturbing and might act as a trigger for you. So please proceed at your own discretion. 

Second, like many chapters, this one was influenced by a particular song which I of course have included. 

Thanks so much for reading, and continuing on this journey with both Trev and Pamela! Hope you enjoy it!

****Pam****

A gusty winter wind almost knocked me off of my feet as I walked out of Riverview stadium, making me wonder how it was possible that I stood on my balcony without a coat just three nights before.  That was the challenge of packing for away games; trying to figure out the weather and making sure that you didn’t pack clothes that didn’t stifle you but at the same time kept you warm. I thanked my lucky stars that I had enough sense when I packed to remember that Riverview tended to be colder in late October, but the frigid air still caught me by surprise and I stopped dead in my tracks.

The smart thing to do would be to turn around and head back inside, but that wasn’t what Trev and I agreed to when we talked on the phone; a conversation that I originally tried to convince myself would never happen. He asked when we texted back and forth during his visit home if he could call me, but as the next day passed and most of the next, I told myself that he forgot or hadn’t even meant it when he asked. 

I tried to distract myself with preparing for my trip to Riverview and the upcoming game but no matter how many different ways I tried to pack my suitcase or review team stats and info for both teams, I still couldn’t keep my thoughts from drifting away from the tasks at hand and to the up in the air phone call.

By the time I arrived at Riverview and walked out of the airport to find a taxi I was beating myself up about getting my hopes up. He didn’t owe me a phone call, after all. We were friends, my text was meant to encourage him, which he said it did, and in an effort to say something nice in return he offered to call me at some point. It sounded reasonable and logical, and it made perfect sense in my mind. But there was still a spot deep inside my heart where my disappointment clung to that didn’t want to listen. I tried to ignore it and shove it even further down as I arrived at my hotel room and started to unpack my things, but a part of me still knew that I was fooling myself.

That was of course the moment that my phone rang and my disappointment instantly turned into a hopeful excitement that made my hands shake a little as I reached for my phone. Which I told myself was stupid since we’d talked countless times in the years we’d known each other. He instantly apologized for not calling sooner. He mentioned staying later in Appaloosa than he originally planned, since he didn’t get to see his twin brother much, and he wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. By the time he made it back into Bridgeport, it was almost midnight and he didn’t want to bother me so late. It wasn’t a long conversation, and most of it was small talk; the exception being my inquiry about how the overall trip to Appaloosa was, but it put my mind at ease about him not calling and it ended with us agreeing to meet after the game. 

   

 

But neither of us had known was how cold it would be, and as if proving my point, the cutting wind once again tried to penetrate the layers of my coat and finally persuaded me to seek a smarter option. I shivered as I whirled around and decidedly marched back towards the stadium doors, only to be halted by seeing Trev quickly striding towards me.

Relief washed over me as I watched him walk. I worried about him while he was in Appaloosa; more than I would’ve wanted to admit to anyone. The spatter of texts and phone calls and seeing him from afar during the game and press conference eased some of my worry. But seeing him that close; his smile directed at only me and the twinkle in his eyes that was nowhere to be found a week before, made the actualization that he was okay more real.

"What the hell happened to Fall?" A smirk accompanied his complaint and he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"I don't know, but I'm thinking that you should ask for a pair of gloves for Christmas." My tease elicited a chuckle from him and a quick glance down at the ground.

"You seem to be very concerned about the warmth of my hands tonight." I heard the teasing in his voice and saw it in his smirk when he looked back up at me, but behind the twinkle in his eyes was a hint of something more intense and it made little butterflies dance around in my stomach. That was all it took for hope to spring alive inside of me again and an internal battle raged with my efforts to keep both from soaring.

"You're the one who refuses to wear gloves, on and off the field. I only pointed it out during the press conference and now." I challenged back in an effort to both continue our exhilarating banter and to play coy about my notice of his cold hands.

The grin he gave me vanquished the shiver causing chill and I wondered if there was anyone on the face of the Earth that couldn’t be affected by it.  "Where were you heading?" His change of the subject made the butterflies cease and while I was thankful to have a pause from it, I also hoped that it didn’t mark the end of his teasing.

I motioned toward the doors with my head. "I was going back inside since it's so cold. I figured it was smarter than standing out here."

The twinkle and smirk returned, as did my butterflies. "You mean your gloves aren't helping you stay warm?" I couldn’t stop myself from smiling and rolling my eyes at his teasing, which he rewarded me with another grin.

"You're such a smartass." My counter made his grin turn into the blinding version and I held my breath as I waited for his comeback.  

"Better than being a dumb one. . ." I groaned at his horrible joke and then lightly laughed.  "But I agree, it would be smarter to go back inside." I was more than a little relieved that he agreed and we raced to make it back inside.

We both shivered as the warmth of the lobby revealed how cold we'd gotten and he started to rub his hands together and blow on them to try to warm them up. I chuckled and was about to make a sarcastic comment about it, but was cut off by someone calling out to us.

"Trev! Pamela!" Ryan waved as he entered the lobby and stopped right in front of us. "Dude, I turned around to ask you where you wanted to eat and you were gone." He said with a chuckle and raised an eyebrow at Trev.

"It's not my fault that you were taking so long to get your stuff together." Trev joked back and Ryan sarcastically smiled.

"Sure, we'll go with that. . ." He mumbled and any further wondering it caused was interrupted by him turning to me. "Are you hungry? We were going to get something to eat."

Before I could say a word I heard a voice behind me. One that I prayed I would never hear again and made every hair on my arms and the back of my neck stand up. "Trev?" There was a pause and I wished more than anything that I heard wrong, that it really wasn’t him. But as he continued I knew without a doubt who the voice belonged to and the sickening feeling in my stomach was almost too much handle. "Holy shit! Trev Davila!"

"Jarret?" It felt like someone punched me in the stomach when I heard Trev say his name and I tightly closed my eyes, hoping beyond hope that when I opened them that running into him had all been some crazy, horrible waking nightmare. But the continuing of the conversation destroyed my impossible hope. “Wow! I haven’t seen you since freshman year!”

I held my breath as I waited for a response and noticed the sickening feeling return when I heard it. “Yeah, I’m kind of surprised you remember me.”

“Of course I do! I remember watching you play during my interest visit to ASU!” Trev said it with obvious admiration. “I couldn’t believe that there was a chance that I could play with the likes of you and others.”

“Yeah, there was an unfortunate set of circumstances that led to me transferring at the beginning of your freshman year.” The vague and twisted truth that spewed from his lips made every muscle in my body tighten and I felt my hands ball into such tight fists that my nails dug into my palms. A satisfying image of them clawing across his face entered into my head as Trev continued the agonizing conversation.

“Ryan, this guy was a phenomenal football player for several years before I arrived at ASU. He would have been a great pro.”

“Nice to meet you.” Ryan sounded less than enthusiastic about meeting him, but Trev was too enamored to notice and continued on. 

“So what are you up to now?”

“I do some PR work or the Riverview Raiders. Not as exciting as playing, but it allows me to continue doing something with football.”

“That’s great!” There was a pause for a moment and I prayed that the conversation was ending. My prayers weren’t answered though, and instead their exchange took a horrible turn. “Did you have an injury? I don’t think I ever heard why you transferred. Everyone assumed that you had an injury that caused you to lose your scholarship.”

My heart began to race so fast that it echoed in my ears which both relieved and frustrated me. There was no telling what answer he’d give and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it. “Ah, well, you know. . .my heart just wasn’t at ASU anymore and well. . .there may have been a girl there that I was trying to get away from. I’m sure you know all about that Trev, although I’m sure present company isn’t included.” The rage I felt at that moment was unlike anything I had felt in recent years and any attempt at calming it would have been futile at that point. He was still the disgusting asshole he’d been in college and while I hadn’t been given the opportunity to let him know what I thought of him then, I didn’t want to pass up another opportunity.

Before Trev could clarify I completely turned around and if fire could have shot out of my eyes I would have set the jerk on fire.

“Pamela!” He looked completely horrified as we finally came face to face. There was an uncertain silence as each person standing there tried to understand what they saw. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Ryan say something to Trev and motioning to me while the sorry excuse for a human being continued to stare at me in horror, realizing that the girl he’d just spoken about was in fact the one that stood in front of him.

“Oh, do I get to be called Pamela now? Just moments ago you made it sound like I was some crazy nameless girl you were trying to get away from?” I said with as much disgust as I felt.

“That’s not what I meant!” He blurted out in a panic.

“Really?!” I heard my angry voice ring out through the lobby. “Why don’t you explain that the reason you left there was because you’re such a disgusting, shameless, asshole that. . .that. . .” I was so angry that I couldn’t get any words out. Instead, gasping sounds came out and I suddenly became aware of the wetness on my cheeks which was the last thing I wanted.  I wanted to tell him what I thought of him, not let him see me cry.

The noise of feet shuffling reminded me that Jarret wasn’t the only one seeing me cry and I felt my stomach drop as I quickly glanced over at Trev. The worry and confusion I saw on his face was like a slap across mine and brought me back to the reality of the moment. Any thoughts I had of letting the piece of shit have it were shattered as I realized that the one thing that I’d tried so hard to keep hidden had almost been revealed; and all the embarrassment and vulnerability that I tried to protect myself from seeped back in and I wanted nothing more than to get away.

I bolted towards the doors and pushed them open with such force that the sound of them slamming open echoed through the lobby and the chilly outside air.  The cold that Trev and I joked about moments before made my eyes water even more, but I didn’t care about the stinging cold wind or the fact that my ungloved hands were freezing; all I cared about was getting to my rental car and far away from him. I quickened my pace and began to rummage around in my bag for my keys. But no matter how many times my hands swept over every inch of it, I couldn’t feel them. “God damnit!!” I yelled as I stopped and frantically started looking for them.

“Hey.” The heat from a large hand travelled through the sleeve of my coat and I forcefully yanked my arm back thinking that it was him. But the second my eyes darted upward and glared at the ones looking at me, I realized that instead of seeing hazel eyes, I was looking into the clear, blue, worried ones of Trev’s. They were searching every inch of my face for any clue about what was going on but I didn’t want him to know. I hid my face by quickly turning my head away and looked down at the ground. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I forcefully said and turned my body away from his. “I just want to find my keys and go to my hotel.” I started to walk away from him but he quickly caught up to me and again grabbed my arms.

“I can’t let you do that.” He said as his hands forced me to turn around and face him.

“What do you mean you can’t let me?” I glared up at him.

“You’re too upset to drive.” He looked down at my arms as if to prove a point and I realized that they were shaking. I thought about blaming it on the cold, but I knew he wouldn’t believe me and tried to will myself to quit shaking.

“I’m fine,” I lied, but as the moments passed it didn’t lesson and he looked less than convinced. I felt the absence of warmth on one of my arms and before I knew what was happening, he removed my bag from my shoulder and started to dig around inside it for my keys. Within seconds he found them and I scoffed at how easily they appeared for him.

His free hand gently rested on my back and something about its reassuring presence convinced me to start walking towards my rental. Any enjoyment of feeling it there was nullified though by the embarrassment and anger I felt, and as I moved past the passenger door that he opened, I couldn’t meet his eyes, feeling too afraid that he’d see way too much in mine if I did.

The silence that filled the car as he tried to figure out how to move the driver’s seat back lasted until the turning of the key made the radio suddenly come to life. It blared from where I happily listened to it on my way to the stadium, a moment I would’ve given anything to go back to. But instead, I was faced with the reality of being in a car with Trev, too embarrassed to turn my head to meet his eyes.

He quickly turned the music down and the sound of his hushed, worried voice made my breath catch and I closed my eyes as I willed myself to not turn and look at him. “Which hotel are you staying at?”

“The Hilton.” I eventually breathed against the glass and watched as the outside view gradually changed from him driving through the parking lot.

Right as he pulled out of the stadium, snow started to fall and I watched the flakes hit my window. Normally the sight of it brought a smile to my face, but not even the fluffy, white beauty could take away the anger, hurt, and shame I felt at that moment. I closed my eyes again and pulled my arms even closer over my chest, cursing the blasted cold weather. If it had just been warmer, if the wind hadn’t been blowing so hard, I would’ve stayed outside the stadium and never would’ve run into him; never would’ve relived the moment that had haunted me for years and I fought so hard to overcome.

****Trev****

The occasions were rare that I didn’t notice what was happening around me. Part of being a decent quarterback meant that you noticed things around you that others might not and it seemed to carry over into other parts of my life. So the fact that I missed that Pam hadn’t participated in the conversation at the stadium or even turned around, blew my mind, and I inwardly cursed at my stupidity.

It was only after she turned around and I saw the uncontrollable rage in her eyes that I knew something was wrong. I knew her well enough to know that she would never respond that way to someone unless something horrible happened and a blinding fury threatened to overtake me as I thought of the possibilities of what that could be. At that moment, it wasn’t hard for me to visualize Jarret’s face in the middle of the steering wheel and the satisfaction that smashing my fist into it would give me. But my attention and energy needed to be directed towards what Pam needed, and I tried to control my anger and strangled the steering wheel instead as I replayed the moments at the stadium in my mind for any clues about what I could do to help her. 

I still didn’t have any ideas about what to do when I parked the car in the hotel garage, but I did know one thing; I wasn’t going to just park and leave. But after experiencing the silent car ride, I figured that being around me or anyone else was the last thing she wanted, and as I met her on the passenger side of the car, I prepared myself for her protests. She didn’t speak though. Her only indication that she wanted me to leave was her eyes slowly rising to look at her bag that was slung over my shoulder. I knew that she wanted me to give it to her but I couldn’t do that, even if it made her mad.

“I’m not leaving until I know that you’re safely in your room.” I said as gently as I could and held my breath as I anxiously waited for her response. To my surprise, her eyes moved to the door behind me and I felt myself breathe again when she sighed and started walking.

I followed her until we reached her door where I fully expected her to take her bag back, but she again surprised me by pulling her card out of her pocket and opening the door. After a moment’s pause, I followed her into the room where I found a bench to place the bag and watched her slowly make her way to the sofa to sit down. She still protected herself with her arms but I could clearly see her face and the sight paralyzed me. Instead of the normal intensity and liveliness in her eyes, or even the anger that I saw at the stadium, she looked completely vulnerable and defeated.

A battle waged inside me as I fought over wanting to rush over to her and hold her. It was the first instinct I had about what to do in that situation. I knew I stunk at talking to people about feelings. I had never been the kind of person who trusted others and opened up, which in my mind meant that I was the least likely person to get others to let their guard down and open up. The thought of rushing over to her sounded much easier to me, but as I glanced back at her I knew that it wasn’t a possibility; not with her still protecting herself. I felt my mouth go dry as I parted my lips and hoped to God that what was about to come out would comfort her in some way.  

“Thank you.” The sound of her quiet voice made me freeze and I stared at her with my mouth still hanging open, wondering if I imagined hearing it and if I heard her correctly. While I’d driven her to her hotel and walked her to her room, to me it paled in comparison to what happened at the stadium and I couldn’t understand why she was thanking me.

“There was no way with how upset you were that I would let you drive here, not after what I caused at the stadium.” I somehow responded and hoped she could forgive me for being so oblivious before.

“After what you caused. . .?”

“I was so. . .so wrapped up in. . .” I sighed as I tried to think of a way to say it without referencing Jarret. “. . .in the moment, that I didn’t even notice how upset you were. If I had, the conversation could’ve ended sooner and you wouldn’t have had to deal with it.”

“You didn’t cause any of that to happen.” She blankly stated and turned her eyes towards the windows. I knew I wasn’t to blame for what happened with her and Jarret, but I still felt that I held some responsibility for what happened at the stadium, but before I could say as much, she stood up and walked over to the windows. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s me. I’m the one who decided to go back inside, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have seen. . .him.”

The disgust that I heard in her voice when she mentioned him made the fury I felt in the car return, and so did the image of pounding in his face. “And it’s easy to get swept up by his charm. . .I did.” My fury was stolen away when I heard the last two whispered words and I held my breath as she continued. “He’s very good at showing the smooth talking, charming, likeable person that he wants everyone to see. It’s only after you get to know him that you really see that he’s. . .” Her voice trailed off and she looked down at her wringing hands.

To hell with it! There was only so much that I could take and seeing her like that, in pain and defenseless, was my breaking point.  I said a silent prayer that what I was about to do wouldn’t upset her more and walked over to the windows. When my hands rested on her shoulders, I kept my attention on her reflection in the glass for any sign that she was upset or uncomfortable. The slight raise of her eyes was her only response and I let myself breathe again when I realized that she wasn’t upset.

“We started dating the summer before you and I started at ASU. . .” She started after we stood in silence but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to explain.

“Pamela. . .” My intentional use of her name made her peek over her shoulder at me and I shook my head at her. “You don’t have to tell me.”

She turned her head away again and closed her eyes. “I know. . .You might have already guessed, but. . .I would rather you heard what happened from me than you wonder, or give him the opportunity to tell you some half-truth or expand on the completely made up story that he told you tonight. At least then I’ll know that the reason you’ve changed the way you think about me is because of what really happened and not some imagined or false one.”

“There isn’t anything that’s going to make me change what I think of you.” I heard myself admit and although it initially shocked me that I voiced my thoughts, I was glad that I did since it was the truth and I hoped that it would reassure her. Instead, she scoffed as if she didn’t believe me and looked back down at her wringing hands.

“I figured after two years of him playing for Dad and seeing him at games, practices, and even team dinners at the house that I knew him. Dad seemed to like him, Mom too, so when he started flirting with me near the end of his sophomore year, I wasn’t opposed to it. He’s good looking, was funny, and I’d never heard anything but great things about him, so when he finally asked me to go on a date with him, I agreed. By the time you showed up for summer practices, he and I were steadily dating although we kept it pretty quiet. I don’t even think most players knew about it. At most, many thought we were interested but weren’t dating.” 

“During the first week of school, there was a big party for the team, the one that the seniors on the team throw at the beginning of each year. . .”

I nodded knowing fully well what party she was talking about. “I remember.”

She nodded and her eyes glazed over as she continued. “It was the first time that he held my hand in public and my stupid eighteen year old self thought it meant something.” She stopped and I opened my mouth to again tell her that she didn’t have to tell me what happened, but she continued on. “At one point he suggested that we go upstairs and find somewhere that wasn’t as noisy; somewhere we could ‘talk’.” He held my hand as he led the way up the stairs and as we walked into one of the empty rooms. It wasn’t long after we entered the room that we started making out, which I was fine with, but soon. . .”

She closed her eyes and a painful expression spread across her face as she wrung her hands even harder. “Every time I told him no he said that I would change my mind after it was over. . .” Her eyes suddenly opened and she glared out at the lit up city. “. . .And I have no doubt that he wouldn’t have stopped but the door suddenly opened."

"I was saved by the fact that he didn’t lock the door and that Paisley was looking for me. Tiff showed up at the party and when Paisley saw her she started to frantically look for me, knowing that if Dad found out that all hell would’ve broken loose.”

Even though I guessed that something similar happened, it was still heart retching to actually hear her say it and see the pain, shame, and anger on her face. I couldn’t stop the vision of myself walking in that room all those years ago from popping into my head. He would’ve been unrecognizable, and I honestly couldn’t say that if I ever saw him again that the same wouldn’t be true.

“Paisley drove both me and Tiff home and even though we avoided seeing Dad or Mom downstairs, we weren’t so lucky upstairs. He was furious when he found out that Tiff had been at the party and he was at his height of fury when the doorbell rang."

"Jarret assumed that when Dad opened the door angry that it was because of what happened and he began to apologize. Said he misunderstood what I meant and begged Dad to not throw him off of the team. Confused, he told Jarret to leave and then tried to convince me to tell him what happened. When I finally did. . .”

“He wanted to kill him.” I finished for her, knowing perfectly well how Coach had felt because I felt the same way at that moment.

She nodded and looked back down at her hands again. “Dad called a meeting with him and dared him to say that it wasn’t true. He surprisingly didn’t deny it and still begged Dad to let him keep playing for ASU. I have no doubt had it been another girl Dad would’ve kicked him off the team and not cared about the bad publicity it would’ve brought the team or even him, but he wanted to protect me. He forced Jarret to leave the team, transfer away from ASU, and told him that if he ever got whiff of him talking about the real reason, he’d make sure that the truth was known. I had no say in it, never got a chance to tell Dad that I wanted to take the asshole to court and make sure he paid for what happened. I didn’t even know the particulars of the agreement until our senior year when Mom finally told me.”

“I can understand his point of view; wanting to protect you from the media and the unfair judgement of others.”

She nodded and pursed her lips. “There are moments that I understand it but then I always wonder what’s stopped him from doing it again, since I didn’t do anything to stop him. That if he’s done it to someone else, it’s my fault.” She slowly turned and walked to the other side of the room, keeping her back to me.  “I probably shouldn’t have told you the last part. I know how you and Dad have a close relationship and I would hate to think that something I said about him changed your opinion of him.”

I rushed over to where she stood and shook my head. “It hasn’t made me change my opinion of him, or you.”

She turned her head and looked slightly over her shoulder. “Really?” The hope and disbelief I heard in her voice made my stomach sink and I wanted nothing more than to reassure her that I completely meant what I said. I took a step towards her and cautiously placed my hands on her arms, gently persuading her to turn around. She eventually faced me, but instead of looking up she kept her head down and looked at the floor.

Trying to catch her attention, I kept my hands on her arms and lightly squeezed them. “Really.”  I said with more certainty than I ever said anything before, trying my damnedest to make her believe that nothing changed between us or even her dad and me. She slowly peeked up at me through her lashes and our eyes locked for several seconds. I wondered if she was trying to stare me down, to test that I really meant what I said, and I dared not look away; even though staring into her eyes made my lungs stop working and my heart race faster than a teenage boy driving his first sports car.

The slow nodding of her head eventually showed that she at least somewhat believed me, and she once again looked away.  “It’s late and you’ve got to be hungry after playing that game.” I wasn’t too surprised by the suddenness of her statement, figuring it was her way of hinting that she wanted to be alone. But it caused a battle to rage inside me about what I wanted to do and what I thought I should do. I wanted to stay, wanted to make sure she was okay, and my conviction made my feet stay planted to the spot where I stood; even after she started to move towards the door. But I also didn’t want to do anything to make her feel more uncomfortable or push her away. It was those worries that made my feet start to follow her.

The unexpected hesitancy of her hand as she reached for the handle made me hope for a moment and my eyes jump from the door to her. “Thank you.” She whispered before turning to    face me. “What you did for me tonight. . .I don’t know if I can ever repay you.”

I envisioned myself pulling her towards me, reassuring her that what I did wasn’t for any other reason than that I cared for her and would do anything to help and protect her. But even I, in my limited knowledge of how to comfort her, knew that wasn’t what she needed at that moment and I felt every muscle in my arms tighten in my attempt to keep them from reaching out to her.

“Anytime.” I whispered instead and immediately doubted my decision the moment she turned back to the door and opened it. She stepped aside and I felt my insides twist even more as I walked past her. Realizing that she might notice something was wrong if I kept dwelling on the battle going on inside me, I forced myself to put my worry aside and turned around to face her. “Night.” I smiled at her and felt a small tug at my heart when her lips curved slightly upward.

“Night.”

The second I heard the lock click, I rushed down the hallway until I got a safe distance from her door and pulled my phone out to call Paisley.

“Hey Trev!” She cheerfully greeted me.

“Hi. . .” I hesitated since I didn’t know how to approach the subject, thinking it was something that I shouldn’t just blurt out.

“What’s wrong?” I let out a relieved sigh and thanked God that she knew me well enough to know that something was wrong.

“It’s Pam. We ran into someone after the game and I think she could really use someone to talk to.”

“Who was it?”

Just thinking about saying his name made me sick to my stomach but I finally forced myself to blurt it out. “Jarret Stintson.”

I barely heard her whisper “Oh God,” and it felt like forever passed before she spoke again. “Did she tell you?”

I swallowed hard and nodded. “Yes. It’s why I called you. I know there are things that she’ll talk about with you that she won’t with me, and right now, she needs someone to talk to.”

“I’ll hang up and call her, but I’ll pretend that I’m just randomly calling. It’s better to let her start that conversation than to force it.” She paused for a moment. “God! I’m so glad you were there, Trev. At least she had someone that she trusted with her when it happened. Thank you for making sure she was okay and calling me. I better call her. Thanks again.” 

I slowly pulled the phone away from my ear and stared down at the screen with Paisley’s name and number. I had no idea how long I stood there starring at it; wondering if she’d already called Pam and what she was saying to Paisley that she couldn’t or wouldn’t say to me. . .

Eventually I walked out the front doors of the hotel and hailed a cab to take me to mine. The further the cab traveled from her hotel, the more my mind began to clear and certain instances from our years at ASU started to make sense. I had no doubt that the reason Coach threatened to kick any player off the team who acted inappropriately toward Pam or her sisters was a direct result of what Jarret did. It wasn’t something that I thought on much when I was there though, and I had assumed that the rule existed long before I started playing there. To now know the reason sickened me and I wished there hadn’t been a need for it, that she had never gone through that.

I thought back to different parties I saw her at during our four years there and had to fight back tears. How many of those had she thought of what happened before? Paisley’s face came to my mind and I remembered how so many of us made fun of Pam for always being around Paisley at parties. “God I was so blind.” I whispered.

“What was that?” The driver asked as he looked in the rearview mirror and I shook my head.

“Nothing. Just talking to myself.” He nodded and turned his attention back to the road.

I looked outside the window at the snow covered ground and a specific moment popped into my head. It was a party during our freshman year where I stepped outside unto the snow covered ground with a girl who flirted with me the whole night. I led her over to a tree that was in the front yard, the famous kissing tree, and we started making out. 

I thought the tree hid us but the sound of footsteps nearby made me open my eyes and glance in the direction of them. Pam had walked outside too and for a brief moment our eyes met and the look she gave me made me shutter just thinking about it. She looked completely disgusted and immediately whirled around to go back into the house. It was around the time she started calling me Trevor, when she started to always look at me like I disgusted her, and when I started calling her Pam and teased her mercilessly.

“Um. . .we’re here.” I heard the cab driver say and I was snapped back to the present moment.

“Sorry.” I said and paid him the fare with a generous tip. I waited until the cab pulled away and started to slowly make my way to the door, stuffing my hands into my coat and thinking about how hours before Pam worried about them. Would she still react that way now though? I asked myself. The events of the night had brought back many memories of us in college and I started to worry that the same might be true for her. Was she remembering all the times she saw me with different girls, flirting and making out with them? Did she remember that party where she saw me and the girl out by the tree? And if she did, would those memories make her look at me the way she once did; disgusted by the sight of me.

I felt a small shiver start at my neck that intensified as it shot down my back, reminding me that I was standing outside in the freezing cold and I walked faster to get inside. The greeting from the doorman as I walked through the glass doors barely registered and the next thing I knew, I was in my hotel room; staring out the window, watching the snow and thinking about how I left things when I said goodbye to her.

I couldn’t stop myself from second guessing what I did or didn’t do the whole time she told me what happened. But what really bothered me was her believing that by telling me, our friendship would change or end. Friendship. . .I let out a frustrated sigh thinking about the term. But no matter what the future brought there was one thing that I wasn’t willing to let go of and that was a friendship with her.  She may never accept me as anything more, but it was better than the alternative of not having her in my life at all.

Around six thirty I showered and walked down to the hotel ballroom where the team breakfast was set up. I was on a mission to find Ryan and have him cover for me while I snuck out. I didn’t tell him much, just that I wanted to make sure that Pam was okay and gave him a made up excuse to tell the others.

I knew from our phone conversation that she had an early flight out and I wanted to make sure that I caught her before she left. As the cab closed the distance between the two hotels, my patience rapidly dissolved, so much so that I barely let the car stop before I handed the driver money and jumped out. I rushed towards the front door but came to a dead stop when I remembered that she wouldn’t be leaving through the lobby since she didn’t need to take a cab and I whirled around; heading towards the garage and taking stairs two at a time until I reached the level where I parked her rental.

I saw it parked right where I left it and breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn’t missed her. Less than a minute passed before I heard the sound of footsteps and as I looked towards them, I was met by her stunned expression that she tried to hide by quickly looking away. It was only after she stopped right in front of me, staying silent for what felt like forever, that she finally looked up at me, shaking her head.

“I’m starting to wonder if you live in garages.” I wasn’t too shocked by her joke. It was something I would’ve done when I felt I’d been too open with someone and wanted to place a wall back up.

I smirked down at her and shrugged. “It saves on hotel bills.” Her chuckle was music to my ears and a huge grin spread across my lips made my cheeks hurt.

“What are you doing here?” It was such a loaded question but my mission at that moment was to let her know that I was there for her as a friend and not the moment to profess and question my desire for more.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay. . .and to make sure that you really believed what I said last night.”

She nodded “I did. . .do.” Her cheeks darkened from embarrassment and her eyes darted down to the ground. “What did you tell Ryan?”

“He guessed that it was a bad breakup. I let him think that and didn’t offer much about what happened after we left, except that I drove you here and then took a cab back to my hotel.” She nodded but kept looking at the ground and it made me wonder if she was worried about me telling others. “You don’t have to worry about me telling anyone. I wouldn’t do that.”

She nodded again. “I know. . .Thank you.” She whispered and finally looked up at me with a grateful smile that I could’ve gotten lost in if it wasn’t for the sound of a car door closing nearby.

“You should get going so you don’t miss your plane.” I finally broke our silence. She nodded and reached down to pick up her suitcase, but my hand swooped in before hers could.

“Let me get that.” I offered and placed it in the trunk before following her to the driver’s side.

“Thanks.” I nodded and she quickly looked away. “So. . .I’ll see you back in Bridgeport?” She peaked sideways at me and saw my nod. The smirk that I noticed on her lips when she turned her head surprised me; until I heard her next question. “In a garage?”

I couldn’t hold in my laugh and it caused her to smile wider than I’d seen since before my trip to Appaloosa. The sight distracted me and for once in my life, I couldn’t think of a good comeback. I nodded instead and opened the door for her. “I’ll text you later.” I said as she sat down and she again gave me a small, grateful smile.

“Thanks again, Trev.” She said as she placed the key in the ignition.

“Anytime.” I repeated what I said the night before and closed her door. Just like I did every other time we met in a garage and parking lot, I watched her drive away and hoped beyond hope that someday I wouldn’t have to.