Chapter Ten: Leaps of Faith

NSFW at the very beginning

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****Trev****

Chocolate and incredibly soft skin; those were the first thoughts that entered my mind as I became more conscious after dozing, and the combination of the two made me smile because it meant that what happened before was real. But just in case, I kept my eyes closed and took big breath, once again smelling sweet chocolate on her skin.  What does she do that makes her smell that way? I wondered as I continued to enjoy the scent, along with the feeling of her long arm draped over my chest and her toned leg laying over mine, making every inch of my body that hers touched burn.

I'd dreamt many times about her touching me and imagined what I would feel if it ever became a reality. Dreams that seemed so vivid that when I woke up my stomach and heart would sink from the anguish of it being a figment of my imagination. I always welcomed those dreams though, because for so long they were all I had.

They were my only hope of ever experiencing that closeness with her and I gladly experienced the moments of agony if for only a moment, I could convince myself that they were real. But somehow, that night, my dreams became a reality and as I continued to lay with her my mind replayed what happened from the moment she walked off the elevator to her laying on me.

Many moments in between were so unbelievable that I wondered at the probability of them, but they’d all somehow happened.  Her showing up at the apartment, sharing dinner, me playing the piano for her and telling her how I felt, all led to the explosion of our feelings and us sleeping together not once, but twice. And as I remembered specific moments from each time, the powerful, overwhelming and incredible emotions I felt seemed to bombard me again; emotions that I’d never experienced when sleeping with someone before.

They were feelings that I had an inkling of from witnessing the happy relationships of my parents and siblings, but because I hadn’t been in any meaningful or real relationships, I had never experienced them before. It sounded cliché as I thought it, but the only way I could describe how it felt when our bodies joined was that it made me feel whole. Like she completed the part of me that was empty and in all honesty, it scared me; because it made me realize how much I really needed her and I worried that knowing me, I’d do something someday that would push her or make her turn away from me.

In my worry of losing her, I pulled her closer, rousing her from her light sleep. The sleepy smile she gave me as her head lifted off my shoulder helped me to ignore my feelings of self-doubt and the dread of my sabotaging shortcomings and instead, I smiled back at her. “Did we both fall asleep?” Her eyes quizzically looked around the room before returning to mine.

I nodded. “Not for very long.” She continued to look around the room for evidence that could backup what I said, until she spotted the clock.

“We should probably get dressed though. It’s getting late.” The decisiveness in her voice and the flash of determination in her eyes made me worry.  Was she wanting to leave, or was she simply expressing her opinion on the time? To me, it sounded more like she wanted to go, which was the last thing I wanted, but I worried that if I said so she’d feel pressured to stay and my uneasiness about what to say or do grew as we started to search the room for our clothes.

“Could you hand me my bra?” She pointed to a spot on floor that was a few feet away from me and an amused smirk appeared on her lips.  The memory of taking it off made my lips pull upward and even though returning it to her meant I would be deprived of seeing her beautiful, bare breasts, the thought of being able to touch her skin again made me rush over to her and my smile widened.

I held it out for her to put it on and she flashed me a flirtatious smile over her shoulder. After placing her arms through it and adjusting the front, I hooked the back and let my hands wander along her sides and back, and eventually down to one of the many surprises I noticed during our earlier activities. 

“I never knew you had a tattoo.” She also had two moles on parts of her body that no one would know about if they hadn’t seen her naked, but the colorful and decent sized butterfly tattoo on the small of her back had my attention at that moment and provided a welcome distraction from having the conversation about her leaving.

She started to pull her arms through the sleeves of her shirt as she explained. “I got it soon after graduation.” She chuckled as she pulled her head through the shirt opening. “Paisley had this idea that we should do something to mark our graduation and friendship. She mentioned a star but I didn’t want that. I mentioned a basketball cause that seemed like something the both of us would like; she rolled her eyes at me.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh at the vision that entered my head of the two of them in a tattoo shop arguing over what kind of tattoo to get. “The tattoo artists were getting annoyed and finally one mentioned a butterfly. Thank God he did because we probably would’ve stood there for who knows how long trying to decide what to get.”

“Does hers look exactly like yours?”

She shook her head. “No. Hers is smaller and not on her back. Don’t ask me where because she’d kill me if I told you.” I chuckled at the fact that she knew I wanted to ask and I let my fingers glide along the colorful wings until she lowered her shirt and turned around to face me.

“She was smarter; her smaller one didn’t hurt nearly as bad as mine.” She stepped closer so she could wrap her arms around me and her fingertips lightly glided along my back. “I’ve often wondered how if my small one hurt, what it felt like when you got yours.” Her eyes peeked up at mine, hinting at me to tell her the story behind my tattoo.

I smirked down at her. “I could lie and tell you that it didn’t hurt.” She lightly laughed and her roaming fingers threatened to distract me. “But I won’t.” I slowly admitted. “I got mine when I was a senior in high school. Jesus! Mom was so pissed, but I was eighteen and she couldn’t say no, especially since she found out after the fact. . ." I added the last part with a smirk and she smiled as she shook her head and rolled her eyes at me, giving me the response that I was hoping for. 

She had no idea how many times I'd racked my brain trying to find ways to see her smile and roll her eyes at me, but my satisfaction soon slipped away as I thought back to the story of my tattoo and continued on.  “And at the time it was something that I wanted to do.”

“Do you regret it now?” She cautiously asked and I shook my head.

“No.  But there’ve been moments in between that I did regret it.” I hesitated for a moment. The only people who really knew the whole story of my tattoo was Willie and Mom. Many had asked in the years since, most guessing that I got it on impulse or during a drinking binge, but like many things, I had kept the significance of it hidden from most; unsure of what they would think if they learned why. 

She raised an eyebrow, encouraging me to continue, and like many times before I wondered at her ability to get me to admit and tell her things that would take me a lifetime to reveal to others.

I nodded as I turned around and swallowed hard before completely giving in to her unspoken question.  “Tempus fugit, sicut nubes, quasi naves, velut umbra.” The sensation of her fingers moving along the Latin words as I said them made every nerve on my back tingle and like many other sensations that night, I couldn’t remember ever feeling it before. I closed my eyes as I savored the feeling of her touching me and revealed the meaning of the words. “Time flies, like a cloud, like swift ships, as a shadow.”

Saying the words stirred up feelings that I hadn’t felt in a long time, making me quickly turn around, denying me of her touch and her from seeing the tattoo any longer. But turning around made me come face to face with her, something that I hadn’t thought about before, and I stared at the dark floor as I continued. 

“One of the things that Dad always tried to pound into our heads was that life’s short and it flies by. When I debated with myself during my sophomore year about trying out for the varsity team, Dad pulled me aside and told me that very thing and suggested that I should seize opportunities when they present themselves, ‘because you never know if they’re going to come around again.’” I acted out how Dad would say it and she chuckled. 

“And because of him, I did tryout, which led to me starting my junior year and colleges started to notice me. After he passed away, I wanted to do something that would remind me of his influence in my life and that I owed him for this path that my life has taken.” 

“I was flipping through books at the tattoo place and I came across this one. The translation caught my attention and it seemed perfect for what I wanted. But when you’re trying to run away from the memory of someone, a tattoo that you get to remind you of that person and even the things they taught you. . .” 

My voice trailed off as I got lost in my thoughts about Dad and I would’ve stayed lost in them if I hadn’t felt the light touch of her soft hand on my cheek. My eyes slowly turned away from the spot I stared at to meet her tender, shimmering green eyes and Dad’s words hit me hard; “Seize those rare opportunities, Trev, because you never know if they’re going to come around again.”

“I want you to stay.” I blurted it out so fast that I didn’t know if it made sense and her shocked expression made me wonder if she understood me. The slow smile that soon spread across her lips hinted that she had, and I held my breath as she began to answer.

“I want to stay.” I could feel a gigantic grin start to spread across my face, but it never had a chance to make my cheeks hurt since her worry and confusion stole not only my smile, but hers too. “Did you think I didn’t?”

“I. . .” I sighed as I realized that I must’ve misunderstood her before and thought the worst. “I wasn’t sure.” I finally admitted. “You mentioned that it was getting late, that we should get dressed. . .” I hinted and she shook her head.

“I do want to stay here, but. . .” I heard her but, and froze. “I don’t have anything I need to get ready for tomorrow. But that’s not why I mentioned the time. I mentioned it because I remembered the food sitting on the counter downstairs.”

I let out a loud sigh of relief from knowing that the food had been her reason for suggesting we get up and all my thoughts focused on how to get her to stay. “We could go get your stuff.” I thought out loud and she smiled and shook her head.

“There are at least two paparazzi standing near the front door and garage entrance, if we’re seen in a car together. . .”

“It’ll be all over the papers and internet tomorrow.” I finished her thought for her and she nodded. Which brought me to another question. “We have to keep this quiet, don’t we? Because of your job?”

She looked down at the floor and nodded. “Let’s clean up downstairs and talk when we’re done.” I nodded and followed her, stopping briefly in the living room to grab my shirt, and the whole time I put the boxes of food away and she rinsed off the plates I wondered if I gave her the wrong impression when I mentioned keeping things quiet. 

Surely she knows from what I told her that I don’t think of this as a temporary thing? I thought back over what I said to her hours before, about wanting to be with her, and I couldn’t think of anyway she could’ve misinterpreted what I said. But even though she physically responded to it, she never told me what she wanted, and I felt the doubt start to creep back in. Is she not wanting the same thing that I do? I stopped placing boxes in the fridge and quickly glanced over at her, wondering if I’d missed some clue.

She finished drying her hands and smiled when she turned around to ask me if I was finished, but halfway through the question, her smile vanished when she realized that something was wrong.
“What’s wrong?”

“Did I. . .” I paused, not really sure how I should put what I was thinking into words. “Did I. . .give you the wrong impression about what I wanted upstairs, when I mentioned keeping things quiet? Or have I misunderstood what you want?” Her eyes got huge and she violently shook her head.

“No!” She yelled, which I tried to take as a good sign, but my relief didn't last long as she started to second guess herself. “At least I don’t think so.” Her eyes tore away from mine and focused on the floor in front of her as she tried to sort it all out,  which gave me way too much time to doubt that she wanted to be with me. I wasn't sure if I should be relieved or nervous when she sighed and crossed the kitchen to grab my hand. 

“Let’s go sit down.” She whispered her suggestion and pulled on my hand until I followed her. The touch of her soft hand and how it fit perfectly in mine allowed me to briefly forget some of my worry, but it soon returned when I felt a small squeeze as we sat down. I looked up to see her blush and an expression of what I guessed was guilt, but I couldn’t understand why.

“I have a confession to make, well two.” I nodded my encouragement for her to continue and her eyes embarrassingly tore away from mine. “I haven’t been in many. . .” She paused as she thought about what to say. “. . .serious relationships. If we’re going to get technical, I’ve been in one.” I was both surprised and not. It made sense that with what happened at ASU that she might be careful about becoming seriously involved with anyone, but I still didn’t know how it was possible. She was a gorgeous woman and I just assumed that in the time since ASU she would’ve been in several serious relationships. “So I might inadvertently give you the wrong impression by not saying and doing the right thing. . .”

She hit on a subject that I hadn’t looked forward to talking about. Several of my imagined moments of confessing my feelings to her eventually drifted to admitting that I didn’t have much relationship experience either, something that was due to my past that she knew all too well. Something that I had trouble wrapping my brain around her forgetting or looking past, but there was no way around it and we needed to talk about it. 

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and nodded. “I feel the same way.” I saw her confusion when I opened my eyes and rushed to clarify. “I’m worried that I’m giving you the wrong impression or that I’ll eventually say and do stupid things that will change your mind.” I looked away before quietly adding the last part. “I’m not proud of how I’ve acted in the past. . .”

“I told you that I didn’t care about that.” Her words were decisive, but still weren’t enough to convince me.

I nodded. “I know, but I just don’t see how you or anyone, my family included, can see past things that I’ve said or done.” I sighed and my mind wandered to a moment during a senior year party, one where I had given special attention to one of the girls there and Pam had witnessed it.

I felt her squeeze my hand again but I still couldn’t find the courage to look back into her eyes. “Trev. . .” She sighed and the room remained unnervingly silent for what felt like a lifetime. “I wish there was something that I could say, something that I could do to convince you that when I look at you, when we talk, that I don’t see that person. And I don’t know if I can explain this the way that I want, but. . .” I chanced a quick look at her, seeing absolute determination in her eyes. “You aren’t that person anymore; actually, I don’t think you ever were that person.”

“I was. I did those things; drank until I couldn’t remember anything, taking advantage. . .of all that fame brought my way.” I didn’t even have the courage to specifically speak of my womanizing past, only hinting at it.

“But you did all those things to hide what you were feeling.” I shook my head, continuing to argue with her. The motion of her defiantly squaring her shoulders caught my attention and she scowled at me. “Then I must be a cold hearted bitch who thinks so highly of herself that she won’t socialize with anyone, except Paisley.” The shock of hearing her say what many thought of her in college made my mouth fall open. I quickly tried to recover though.

“But you’re not. People were wrong about you. . .I was wrong.” I quietly admitted and my stomach knotted, remembering how wrong I had been about her.

“And I was wrong about you. We both acted in ways that kept people from getting too close because we were fighting demons. The people we saw in college are who we became to try to protect ourselves and because neither of us are the most open people.” I nodded to her last comment and she squeezed my hand again. “But it’s not who we really are and if you’re willing to believe that about me, than I can also believe that about you.”

I slowly nodded, agreeing with her statement about what I now thought of her and how she acted, and also with the fact that we both weren’t very open people. It was a confession that brought another question to my mind and allowed me to escape the conversation about our past. “We are both private people, which is one reason I mentioned trying to keep things quiet, at least for now.” I hinted back to our conversation about the paparazzi upstairs and was relieved to see her nod.

“There’s that and then there’s the fact that my job requires me to report on what you and the team do with an unbiased opinion; something that my superiors would have a hard time believing if it was known that I was in a relationship with the starting quarterback. . .” She hinted and I loudly let out a sigh of relief; partially from her agreeing with me and partially from hearing her admit that we weren’t a short term thing in her mind. “It would probably be better if we kept it quiet until the season is over.” I wanted to ask her about after that, but was cut off from her question. “Why do you look so relieved?” She asked with a small, teasing smile.

“Because I am! Half the time I’m wondering if this is really happening or if it’s a dream.” Her sweet smile caught me of guard. “Did I say something wrong?”

She shook her head and her smile quickly disappeared. “No, you didn’t, and I’ll explain in a minute, but. . .” She turned her body even more so she was completely facing me. “. . .are you unsure about how I feel? That’s why you’re relieved?” The way she asked it made me wish I hadn’t, realizing that I had again thought the worst when I felt unsure about her feelings. I hesitantly nodded my head and she let out a long breath before looking slightly unsure. “Maybe I should tell you my second confession then, it’s something that you need to know anyway. . .” I again nodded but instead of continuing, she fretted. “God! I hope this doesn’t piss you off.” She said more to herself and I tried to prepare myself for what she was about to tell me, but nothing could have.

“Do you remember several weeks ago when you played the Panthers?” I nodded and the first two memories that popped into my mind was of Tiff cornering me in the locker room and worrying about Pam when I saw her in the parking lot. “I was afraid that if I met you in the parking lot that Tiff would see us talking and I didn’t know if you’d talked to her yet.” I nodded and thought about the conversation Tiff and I had in the locker room. “So I walked to the locker room. . .” She bit her lip and looked up at me for a split second. “And I heard part of your conversation with Tiff.”

I instantly worried that she heard something that gave her the wrong idea. “What did you hear?”

“Enough to know what she wanted and that you didn’t want the same thing.” I let out a sigh of relief and some of her worry seemed to lessen.

“You’re not upset?” She looked completely shocked.

“I know your history with standing outside doors. . .” I teased her, trying to reassure her and mask the worry I still felt.

She lightly chuckled but her mood quickly turned again and it looked like what she was about to say would hurt. “There was a moment when I stood outside those doors that I wondered if you would make the other decision, the one that Tiff offered you, and I didn’t think that I could stand there and listen to you make that choice. I tried to tell myself that the heartbreak that I would feel from hearing you make that decision was because I didn’t think I could continue to trust you if you did.  The relief I felt when I heard your response was short lived though, because as I walked back down the hallway to the front doors, I couldn’t stop myself from imagining the opposite happening.”

Tears threatened to escape her eyes and she jumped up off the couch, making her way to one of the windows where she continued as she looked out at the buildings. “And as much as I wanted to deny it, I couldn’t shake the feeling of rejection that I would’ve felt.” Her arms protectively wrapped around her waist and I was revisited by feelings and memories of the night in Riverview when her demeanor had been the same and I felt helpless to do anything about it. 

“You asked me if I was okay in the parking lot and I lied to you. I wasn’t okay, because that’s when I realized that I wanted all of our run-ins, the teasings, the smiles, and the little touches that we shared to mean something.” She whirled around and I lost my breath when I saw the look of anguish in her eyes. 

“And even though I knew that your attention needed to be centered on your recovery and career, I couldn’t stop myself from hoping that some time, and I hoped it was sooner rather than later, that the person that you described to Tiff. . .”She choked on the last words and without thinking I jumped up and rushed over to her, gently placing my hands on her arms.

“Could be you?” I finished for her, hoping that I was right. Her eyes darted to the floor while she nodded, causing my heart to soar and I tried my damndest to keep my feelings of ecstasy from over taking me. I moved my hands to her cheeks and gently lifted her head until her eyes once again looked into mine. “And when I described the kind of relationship I wanted, I was thinking of you.” I admitted. I felt her head slightly jerk back and saw nothing but disbelief and shock on her tear stained face.

“Really?” I nodded while she shook her head. “How could that be?”

I thought back to a night at ASU and realized that I had a confession of my own. “A couple months before that, I was sitting in your parent’s living room with Ryan and when you walked into the room. . .” As I remembered the moment, I felt the breath get knocked out of me again. “I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” I finally admitted. “And as much as I stared, I was sure you noticed.”

Her smirk gave her away. “I did, but I figured it was because you were surprised by what I was wearing.”

I chuckled. “Well, there was that, but the way you looked in that dress. . .I couldn’t do anything but admire how you looked in it.” She smirked again. “But it was when Ryan hinted at you going on a date that I started to realize that my feelings went beyond admiration. The thought of you going out with someone made a knot form in my stomach that only went away when you admitted that you were going out with Paisley.” I mischievously smiled down at her as I remembered their return to the house and her curious green eyes encouraged me to continue. “You may not be the only one who spies on people when they aren’t looking.” I admitted and a quizzical smile appeared on her lips.

“When did you ever spy on me?”

I sheepishly smiled down at her. “That night, when you and Paisley returned to the house. Ryan and I had been talking on the balcony and I sat alone for several minutes before I heard a car come through the gate. I had every intention of sneaking inside but I heard something that made me stop.”

“What was it?”

“Your laugh.” I whispered and my hands glided down her arms to her hands. “I couldn’t stop myself from inching closer to the railing and I stood there for several minutes watching you, wishing that we could talk to each other and laugh as freely as you did with others. It was when I went back into my room and I was completely alone with my thoughts that I realized I wanted even more than that.”

“You had only recently started to smile at me and it was something that once it happened, the thought of not seeing it again. . .” My heart hurt at that moment, feeling the pain I would feel if I never saw her smile again, and I closed my eyes as I tried to push the hurt aside. 

“I was willing to do anything to keep that from happening. Sometime before that our sarcastic conversations turned to more playful and sometimes even serious, meaningful discussions and the longer that went on, the more I looked forward to seeing you. Which lead to our parking lot and garage run-ins. They were all on purpose because I couldn’t stop myself from seeing you. I needed an excuse to talk to you, and running into you after games gave me that excuse. So by the time that you heard that conversation, the person that I imagined when I described the relationship I wanted, was you or at least I hoped it could be you. At that moment it seemed like an unattainable dream, but it was still one that I dared to let myself hope would come true, and I still can’t believe it has.”

The same sweet smile that I saw when we sat on the couch, spread across her lips and I wondered at it again. “What did I say that made you smile like that? You did it earlier too.”

She squeezed my hands as she shook her head in disbelief. “That’s the second time that you’ve mentioned this being a dream.”

I slowly nodded. “The fact that something this unbelievably good is happening to me; I don’t know if I can ever not feel like it’s a dream.” Her breath caught and she once again shook her head.

“Sometimes you say the most incredibly powerful things.” Her whispered declaration dumbfounded me and I was reduced back to not knowing what to say. 

I knew what I wanted to do though. I took a small step towards her, intending to once again kiss her slightly parted lips, but instead I paused a moment to admire her. She had the most gorgeous, and now I knew, soft skin. The tiny freckles that spread along her cheeks and forehead captivated me every time I gazed upon them and I wondered if counting them was possible. 

I resisted the urge though, and chose to instead caress her cheek with my hand. My heart skipped several beats as I once again came to the realization that what was happening was real; and as she closed her eyes and leaned her cheek even more against the palm of my hand, I couldn’t resist the urge to kiss her anymore.

The sensation I felt when our lips gently touched was different from what I experienced during our previous, more passionate kisses, but was no less powerful. It felt like a part of me from deep down inside reached out to her and her soul soothed mine. It left me feeling completely open and vulnerable like I had upstairs, but this time I didn’t feel the panic that I had before. 

Maybe my ease came from our talk, reassuring me that she wanted this as much as I did; maybe it came from the fact that we were completely open and honest with each other and nothing I did or said made her change her mind or turn away. Whatever the reason, it was the first moment that I felt completely grounded and sure of what we shared between us; and the small hopeful spark that I carried around inside me for months felt more like a larger consuming fire.

My lips smiled against hers when an unbelievable thought entered my mind; I couldn’t remember being happier. She slowly pulled away, and as if reading my thoughts, a brilliant, radiant smile appeared on her lips. “Stay.” I pleadingly whispered as I gazed into her happy eyes.

The sensation of her hands rubbing my chest made me want to pick her up, giving her no option but to stay. I tried to control the urge while her hands continued and she glanced down at them. “I already said I wanted to, but I don’t have anything here.”

“I’ll send someone out to buy what you need.” I said, grasping at any idea that popped in my head that might convince her. Instead of agreeing she smirked and quizzically look at me.

“Who?”

“Fred downstairs would find someone if I asked him. . .and if I generously tipped both of them.”

“Even so, stores aren’t open now, and I know that people are persuaded by your blinding smile and generous tipping, but I don’t think it’s going to help you at this moment.” She teased me. 

The grin she mentioned appeared on my lips and grew as she laughed and rolled her eyes at me. “You really do think that smile of yours can get you anything you want, don’t you?” I faked innocence and shrugged and was rewarded with another smile and eye roll. “What if, instead of me staying here, you stayed at my place?” 

Her solution was so obvious, but my mind had been so wrapped up in getting her to stay that it hadn’t even occur to me. “But, we’d have to leave separate. . .” She thought out loud and I nodded.

“I have another car that I can use, one that’s not as recognizable.”

She nodded and pulled her phone out. I felt my phone buzz seconds later and saw the text from her. “That’s my address. Maybe while you give me time to get back there you could read the article?” In all that happened in the hours since she showed up that night, I had completely forgotten about it.

“I can do that. Half hour long enough?” It sounded like an eternity to me but I resolved to endure it after she nodded her agreement. The short walk to the hallway felt like a mile and as I pressed the elevator button, I hoped that it would take longer than normal for it to arrive. I took the short opportunity to kiss her again, as slowly and deeply as I had moments before in the living room, reluctantly stopping when the ding of the elevator echoed in the hallway.

“Half an hour.” I whispered, closing my eyes and leaning my forehead against hers.

“Half an hour.” She whispered back and I expected her to move towards the elevator. When she didn’t, I opened my eyes and saw her staring up at me and a slow, teasing smile appeared on her lips. “Don’t be late,” I let out a short laugh as I held the elevator door open for her. “And don’t forget to read the article.” She reminded me when she turned around.

I nodded and kept my eyes locked on hers until the closing door blocked her from my view.

The second I heard the sound of the elevator moving, I rushed back through the living room and up the stairs to grab what I needed. In less than five minutes I was back downstairs and placing the hard drive in my computer, eagerly anticipating reading the article she wrote.

With a few clicks the article appeared on my screen and I started to read:

A Little More Than Luck
by Pamela Haines

At the beginning of every NFL season, experts make predictions about which of the 32 teams are going to come out on top. They analyze past seasons, player and coaching changes, and watch team practices and preseason games all in the hopes that their predictions will be right; and for the most part, they are. But every so often, a team comes along that slips in under the radar and shocks not only the experts, but also reporters and fans with their success.

Such is the case with our very own Bridgeport Bucks. At the beginning of preseason, the popular opinion was that the Bucks would have a lackluster season and the evidence presented was arguably convincing; the less than stellar season the year before, the gamble that the organization and team took in keeping their veteran quarterback, and the unknowns about the younger backup quarterback. Even more convincing was the fact that a true starting quarterback hadn’t been named after two preseason games.

But around the middle of preseason, a shift occurred within the team; a starting quarterback was named, the gamble on the veteran quarterback seemed to payoff, the younger quarterback showed promise, and most important when determining the success of a team, they started winning.  An excited buzz began to sweep across the city and soon others started to pay attention to what was happening in Bridgeport.

Now with a record of six and one, the Bucks are gaining more and more attention, and many are weighing in on what has led to their sudden success. Success that’s often attributed to a streak of good luck. But is that really the case, or is there evidence pointing to a different explanation?

To begin searching for answers, one only needs to scan the parking lot at the Buck’s training facility in the early hours of the morning. Before six o’clock, several cars begin to arrive for a full day of work. Many are coaches but several of them are players, including the quarterback that many had doubts about, Trevor Davila. Five days a week, he enters the facility early in the morning, grabs a cup of coffee, and heads to one of the many viewing rooms. His day begins with reviewing plays from the previous game and watching clips of the next opposing team’s defense.

But Davila isn’t the only player visiting the viewing rooms early in the morning.  Several other offensive and defensive players can be found preparing for the next game. Center, Chester Travis, known as Tiny to most Buck’s fans, believes that this is one of the key elements that has led to the Buck’s success. “It gives us an edge that I don’t think many other teams have. And it’s become a competition amongst the O-line; who can spot the most inconsistencies not only of the opposing defensive line but also of our offense.”

That competition is evident in the offensive line meetings. After an hour of viewing, offensive and defensive lines meet separately and an open discussion takes place between coaches and players about observations that each has made while reviewing plays. Modifications are proposed and some lighthearted fun is had in an effort for each player to be the one who has the most observations. According to the players, it’s usually Davila who walks away the victor. Quarterback, Ryan Andrews reveals how Davila wins the competition time and time again. “He sees things that sometimes we have to zoom in to see. Crazy stuff, like the way a player turns their feet can tell you what direction they’re going to move when the ball’s snapped. It’s insane.”

The open discussion between players and coaches continues in meetings where offensive and defensive lines and special teams join together. While the meetings aren’t as playful as ones held by individual sections, players are encouraged to share their thoughts and observations and there is an overall feeling of respect and comradery. “We respect each other, you know?” Cornerback, Wesley Jones admits. “We may not all hang out after a game, but we respect the work and effort that each of us puts in to the team.”

Team unity is another element that players believe is key to their success this season. “It’s one of the things that’s been missing. We had a common goal, to win games, but it was more of an individual effort to reach that goal than a group one.” Guard Mike Brewster states. When asked what they believed was behind the unifying of the team, players are quick to give credit to two players. “Trev and Ryan.” Receiver, Steve Anderson offers. “They completely spearheaded that effort.”  Wesley Jones further explains. “All of a sudden the two of them started to give pep talks and tried to lift the overall morale of the team.”

But as Davila, Andrews, and other team members are quick to point out, the success of the team isn’t due to one or two players. “During games and even practices, groups will talk to each other and you’ll hear: ‘We don’t win or lose games by what one person does, we win or lose as a team.’  It’s a motto that the team’s adopted and I really believe that’s why we’ve been more successful this year. It’s not just up to several guys to pull the team to victory. It’s a complete group effort.” Davila states. 

“We all work our butts off and give a hundred and fifty percent.” Tiny adds. “And if one of us is struggling whether it’s during workouts or a game, the others rally around them and encourage them.”  Team workouts, drills and practices provide chances for players to not only help each other out but also opportunities for them to hone their skills, stay in shape and also to push themselves past individual goals. Kicker, Todd Frees explains. “We all know that in order for us to do what needs to be done on the field, we have to put the time and effort into keeping in shape. It’s a no brainer for athletes, but somedays you’re tempted to slack off because your mind’s elsewhere or you’re not feeling motivated that day. Those are the moments that it’s great to have someone come up to you and encourage you to give more of yourself than you might have without that extra push.”

What about luck? Do the players believe that any of the team’s success is due to a streak of good fortune? Most players are quick with an answer, and Davila’s seems to sum up the overall opinion of the team. “All luck ever gets a team is a scapegoat and a locker room full of smelly socks. You’d have a better chance of finding a vulture that gives up a free meal than finding someone on the team that believes that it’s all luck. It’s a little bit more than that. Hard work, team effort, talent, good coaching, and making the important plays when it counts, that’s what we tend to believe is what’s behind the team’s success so far.”

The next several games will be tough ones for the Bucks. They’ll face one undefeated team that’s favorited to go to the Super Bowl, and two others that have the same record as the Bucks. But with their approach of taking one game at a time and their dedication to work hard, practice and prepare for games as a unified team, maybe they won’t need luck, or at least not much of it.

Goddamn, she’s good. Anything she wrote was good, but that was the first time I’d read something that wasn’t a straight run down of a practice, game, or press conference and her ability to do exactly what she said she would, floored me.

The organization would be happy with how positive they came across, The Times would be satisfied that it appeared they had exclusive access to Buck’s information, including access to myself, but most importantly my inclusion in the article was used to prove points that the team’s success was because of the collective efforts of everyone. The only thing missing was any reference to my visit to the hospital; which I didn’t mind, but I wondered if there was some reason she didn’t include it.

I exited out of the article and noticed the other folders on the drive. One was labeled Community Involvement Blurb. Being curious, I clicked on it and was once again floored at her ability to give each party that was involved what they wanted. It was a short blurb about how the Buck’s Organization reached out to the community and showed not only a picture of me with Drew but also other pictures of Buck’s players and coaches participating in community events.

Buck’s Come Together for the Community
By Pamela Haines

Not only do the Bridgeport Buck’s work as a team on the field, but they also pull together when it comes to the organization’s efforts to reach out to the community. Whether it be at local hospitals, sports clinics, area schools, or any other number of community events; players and coaches give their time and talents to spread the message of staying positive, working hard, and the importance of staying fit.

I looked at the picture of Drew and me and smiled remembering that day. His excitement when I walked into the room was something that I couldn’t imagine ever forgetting, nor his question when he noticed Pam. “Who’s that? Is she your girlfriend?” I chuckled as I remembered the response that I wanted to give him. “No, but I’m working on it.” 

It was crazy how quickly things changed between us after that, and as I looked back at the picture, I heard Dad’s words repeating in my head. “Seize those rare opportunities, Trev, because you never know if they’re going to come around again.”

That’s what I did that day at the hospital. I took advantage of the opportunity that spending a whole day with her gave me and tried to be as open and honest as I could. I wanted to show her the parts of me that I let few see, because deep down I hoped that she would accept the real me. Not the person that the team or the media and fans saw, but the actual real, messed up me. And as each moment of that day passed and I let her see the real emotions that I felt while at the stadium, meeting Drew, telling Kyle about Dad and my insecurities about doing that, I began to wonder how she would react if I told her about Dad.

By the time we reached the room where I signed footballs, I was a mess. I wasn’t sure if what I told Kyle helped him and an internal war raged between my head and heart about telling her about Dad. My worry over Kyle started to subside when I felt her hand on mine and heard her words of encouragement. 

Her touch, caring words, and looks of concern and understanding made it surprisingly easier to talk to her about ASU and Dad. But when she asked me what I meant when I said I was forced to face the fact that I had become someone that Dad wouldn’t be proud of, I froze. I knew there was no way for me to answer the question without telling her about seeing him.

I sat there and fought with myself about what to do. if I should listen to my heart that told me to tell her, or my head that told me she’d run away if I did. What finally made me give into the desire of my heart was something that still made the hairs on my arms and neck stand up; I felt a hand on my shoulder.

At that moment, I took it as a sign that Dad was letting me know that it was okay to tell Pam, that I should tell her. I was still scared shitless to do it, but his sign and her reassurance gave me the extra push I needed to overcome my fears and that one, fearful leap of faith led to other ones and then eventually to the moments of that night.

Leaps of faith. I thought to myself as I removed the flash drive from the computer and walked over to the couch to grab my bag. How often in the past had I not taken any leaps? Where I let fear of failure, rejection and losing the things that were most important to me keep me from stepping into the unknown or exposing my true feelings. 

As I waited for the elevator, I thought back to the most recent years before my recovery; the ones where I had been the most closed off, hiding what I really felt behind the mask of sarcasm and a smile that even Pam admitted was one that let me get away with just about anything.

What had that led me to? Days of feeling alone, isolated and to those things that I tried to protect myself from; failure, rejection and losing the most important things; my family and my friends. It also almost kept me from knowing the person who I couldn’t imagine not being in my life. The thought made me shudder as I walked off the elevator, something that Fred noticed and I quickly gave him a nod before walking to a back door that led to a more private parking garage entrance.

I didn’t have all the answers, didn’t know how her family would react to us being together, how the media would handle it, or even how her boss or mine would take the news. Hell, I didn’t know how we would keep our relationship secret, but as I sat down behind the wheel and thought of each new unknown that surrounded Pam and me, I also thought back to one of the very first leaps I had taken when I got out of recovery; the one where I contacted Coach. That one step led to a domino effect and affected my life in so many unforeseen ways, but I had to take that action without knowing the results, just like I had that day at the hospital and that night at my apartment.

That was the one thing that I was certain of in the sea of uncertainty; that leaps of faith, seizing opportunities as they presented themselves may make me uncomfortable, may sometimes lead to painful things, but could also lead to moments that made me so incredibly happy that I wondered if I was dreaming, and made the risk of hurt completely worth it.

Something good can come from something bad. I could hear Mom’s voice in my head as I entered Pam’s building and climbed the stairs to her floor. Finally, yes, something good had come from all of the crap I’d been through and as I waited for her to open her door thoughts of what I would’ve missed flooded my mind. Being with and really knowing her, holding, caressing and loving her. . .And when her teasing eyes and playful smirk greeted me when she opened the door, I was again reminded of how even the teasings she gave me were things that I couldn’t imagine living without.

“It hasn’t been a half hour. . .” She joked as she stepped to the side and a huge grin stayed on my face until I walked into her apartment. Looking around the room, the reality of actually being there for the first time hit me and the weight of my previous thoughts returned, making my eyes return to hers. I saw the expectation in her eyes of hearing my reply, probably anticipating it being a sarcastic one, but the gravity of the events of that night overpowered me, making any sarcastic response impossible.

Not able to tear my eyes away from hers, I reached behind me, shut the door and flung my hat on a nearby bench. The warm, anticipating smile that appeared on her lips as I closed the remaining distance between us and wrapped my arm around her waist, pulled at my heart. And somehow I kept myself from getting completely lost in her eyes and resisting her tempting lips long enough to finally respond.

“I think we’ve waited long enough.”